My Mum, your Dad

In 2023 ITV, the major commercial broadcaster in the UK, released another reality TV series with the above title. The idea is that young people whose parents are divorced apply for their Mum or Dad to be a participant on the programme to help them find a new partner. A 2^nd season was broadcast a few weeks ago. In the first season, the sons and daughters volunteered one of their parents and travelled with them to the lavish house where the show was being hosted. What the parents didn’t know is that once they’d been left at the house their offspring congregated in a barn adjacent to the house to watch their parents as they sought to navigate finding a potential new life partner. It won’t come as a surprise to you that this was a one-shot deal which could not be repeated in the 2^nd season; the children watched their parents in action in the 2^nd season, which their parents were aware of. The appeal of the programme is that it works for the younger and older generations in the same show which has drawn a significant audience to the channel. The show deploys the typical reality show tricks of introducing new participants and the 2^nd show featured a later arrival of someone who’d featured prominently in the 1^st series.

So, what on earth has all this got to do with negotiation? First of all, the programme is a fascinating insight into human behaviour and these behaviours are universal. The approaches taken by each of the protagonists characterised the typical polarised ways in which people approach negotiation - either competitively or collaboratively. I’ll leave aside the typical courting regimes followed by men and women and for now, will focus on the two very different approaches from two of the male participants Christian and Danny.

The show starts with each parent and one of their children driving to the vast country estate and a brief discussion about their relationship history is revealed in the car and then shown after each participant has arrived in the house with another short piece of film giving the viewer more information about Mum or Dad. Once the group has come together, they start to get to know one another and start to figure out who they like and would like to spend time with and ultimately fall in love with. As all this is happening their kids are sharing information and sometimes squirming behind their cushions as their parents navigate these early (and later) exchanges. Bonds can be formed early, Christian used the more competitive approach where he identified his choice of potential partner Vicky early, which was aided by them being chosen to cook dinner for the group on the first evening during which they seemed to develop a good chemistry. Like all of the participants, Danny had come to the group with a host of relationship issues and he chose to take his time to get to know everyone before making any decision about who he might want to develop a relationship with. Unfortunately for Christian, his early relationship with Vicky came to a shuddering halt when he made an unwelcome advance to Vicky in the swimming pool the following morning, it seemed a small thing at the time, but as is often the case in negotiation, Christian had made an assumption of where their fledgling relationship was and did nothing to test his assumption. By contrast, having had good conversations with all the women in the house, Danny realised that he had a strong connection with Jenny and despite Jenny having had issues about whether they could make it work in the real world given where they lived, their relationship is still going strong 5 months after the programme was filmed.

For me, two clear points come out of this for a negotiator. BE CURIOUS – the more you know about your counterparty and strive to understand their needs the better deal you’ll be able to strike and will enable you to give them what they need on terms that you can accept. Also, it’s always the better option to BE COLLABORATIVE and strive to your behaviour that promotes trust and builds relationships. Christian ended up making some great friends but didn’t find love. He’d have improved his chances if he’d taken a different approach.

I would also contend that Christian’s approach wasn’t thought through and in the words of David Kahneman was allowing the powerful emotional brain to dictate strategy. By being more considered – which requires the use of the slower rational brain – Danny came away with a significantly better outcome.

STOP, THINK, SEEK TO UNDERSTAND – before you move significantly forward.