Behaviour Breeds Behaviour

Anyone involved in negotiation will say that it’s important to understand the wants, needs and motives of the other party, phrases such as “Walk a mile in their shoes”, “seek first to understand before being understood” or “Negotiate from inside their head” are commonplace sayings. As an aside, I’m always cautious of that last phrase as it could be interpreted as manipulation, but back to the story... Of course, this is easier said than done - walking a mile in the shoes of that oily salesman, aggressive buyer, rude union official or intransigent manager can be uncomfortable, and those wise words begin to sound like glib aphorisms. So just imagine how hard it would be if the other party literally wants to burn down your house!

Recently, I watched a quite remarkable interview with Dr Abdul Hamid  & Adam Kelwick of the Abdullah Quilliam Mosque in Liverpool about the approach they took when the police warned them that an angry mob were going to protest at their Mosque that evening.  The natural thing to do would be to batten down the hatches, make safe as much as you can, send staff home - or even worse, raise your own angry mob to shout down their angry mob.

They took a different approach; let me give some background. William Henry Quilliam, a solicitor from Liverpool, converted to Islam in 1887 after visiting Morrocco. He subsequently took the name Abdullah Quilliam - and the Abdullah Quilliam Mosque was founded in the same year and is the oldest in the country. Over 120 years ago rioters came to the Mosque to protest, throwing stones and breaking windows (Islamophobia is not new). His response was to open the doors and invite people in to talk: they decided to follow his lead. The staff of the Mosque cooked 200 burgers with chips and went out to the protesters and smiled, shared food, talked and listened. There was a lot they wanted to get off their chest - much of it was driven by a fear of the unknown and misinformation from third parties. Once they realised that many of the societal problems they were facing were mutual the mood changed, by the end they were hugging, shaking hands, exchanging numbers and organising to come back to the Mosque to learn more.

This is a compelling and inspiring example of how conflict doesn’t have to be confrontational. From a negotiator’s perspective, it’s much more constructive to unite than polarise, but that does take a genuine commitment to seeing the world from their perspective, which these guys did brilliantly. So, next time you think the other party is being unreasonable or rude rather than replying in kind, which is likely to escalate the conflict, it may be worth checking whether there is anything in what you are doing that has triggered it. Behaviour breeds behaviour; the behaviour you adopt will impact on their behaviour. Choosing constructive behaviour will help you achieve mutually beneficial results. As Adam said, in Islamic tradition “A strong person is able to subdue anger even when it’s justified”.